Dear Allies

On this blog I write about queer stuff, as well as non-queer stuff.  So some of my readers are queer, and others are not.  But you might consider yourself an "ally" or supporter of some sort.  I have a question for you all, which you can answer in the comments.  How appreciated to you feel as an ally to LGBTQ people?

There's no wrong answer.  But I'll have you know that in the LGBT community, there is a lot of debate as to how much allies should be appreciated.

There's a comic that I've seen circulating around (origin unknown), which I like a lot because it expresses some of the problems people have with allies.

In short, allies are often overbearing, and not as helpful as they think they are.

You may think this is just a problem with people being "bad" allies, but that's not the entirety of it.  Last weekend I was at a conference, and we had an asexuality caucus.  One thing people complained about was the LGBTQIA acronym, because the conference materials said the A stood for Ally rather than Asexual.  More than annoyed that allies were taking precedence over us, people were annoyed that "ally" is ever part of the acronym.  Another example, sometimes people on Tumblr complain that the asexuality flag contains the color white to symbolize non-asexual people.  (And if you really want to piss people off, tell them that there is a flag for allies.)

Some people just don't like that allies are ever included symbolically.

I was thinking about this, because I recently read a (very long) essay by Julia Serano about the concept of appropriation.  Whenever allies enter queer spaces or imitate queer culture, they are seen as "appropriating" queer struggles for their personal gain.

Julia makes the apt observation that early in a minority social movement, allies are often welcomed, because the movement wants all the help it can get.  Later on in the movement, it becomes more socially acceptable to be an "ally", so allies are less valued.  Additionally, you can imagine that when it's socially preferable to be an ally, you get people who pose as allies but don't actually help much.

And it's not just a difference across time, it's a difference across space as well.  On the internet, allies are regarded with suspicion (supportive words are cheap), but of course allies are still valued by national LGBT organizations (allies are potential donors).  And I've never heard people complain about allies in high school queer straight alliance groups, because that's one place allies are needed.

So far I've taken a neutral stance on how much allies should be appreciated, and that's because I don't think there's any one-size-fits-all approach.  It makes sense to hold allies to a higher standard as time passes, as the social cost of being an ally decreases.  But if you insist that nobody ever give an inch to allies, then we cripple the most desperate groups, the ones who need allies.

Julia Serano points out that we don't just need allies for allies.  Some minimum level of acceptance of outsiders is also important for people who are queer.

The first time we enter a particular LGBTQIA+ space (whether it be a gay bar, a trans support group, or an asexual online discussion group) we often feel like outsiders, and we experience a steep learning curve in trying to understand the language and customs associated with the group.

In other words, we discover LGBTQIA+ identities and cultures. And one could say that all gender and sexual minorities are appropriators, as virtually all of us have adopted identities and participate in cultures that others created before us, and which we were not initially socialized into.

So to any allies out there, I hope this explains why queer people are so ambivalent towards you.