Asexual stereotypes: Everyone loses

There was a wonderful post on Feminists with Disabilities about the intersection of asexuality and disability.  The main point of essay, I'd say, is that stereotypes of asexuals and disabled persons hurt everyone involved.

A common stereotype of disabled people is that they're asexual.  This stereotype is offensive, because it deprives disabled people of their sexual agency.  There is a parallel stereotype that a person's asexuality is due to autism, hormonal problems, or some other disability.  This stereotype is offensive because it is an attack on the validity of asexuality.

The great irony is that the stereotype hurts most of all the people who are disabled and asexual.  The stereotype might superficially describe them, but just a scratch underneath, it's all offensive nonsense.  The author gave the following example: the stereotype is used to justify giving disabled people less sex education... but even asexuals need sex ed!

What's worse is that people in the asexual community and the disabled community see the person as affirming stereotypes.  So they get hit by ableism in the asexual community, and asexohate in the disabled community.

I myself am non-disabled, but it occurred to me that I have a similar experience with another stereotype.

The stereotype that hurts me the most: Asexuals are simply closeted gays.*  This stereotype hurts many asexuals because it is completely false for them.  I think it hurts me even more, because it is superficially true.  A little over a year ago, I identified as straight.  Then for many months, I identified as asexual.  Now I identify as gay and asexual.  Yes, indeed, it was "just a phase".  But let's go just a bit under the surface, and see how accurate the stereotype really is.

*You have to wonder where these stereotypes come from, since it's not like asexuality is well-known enough to be common in public discussion.  Nonetheless, many people seem to start with the same wrong ideas.

The first inaccuracy, in my case, is that I currently place myself in the middle ground between gay and asexual.  I am not completely rejecting my previous identity.  My identity as asexual was based on a life full of experiences: always being confused by popular enthusiasm for sex, being entirely left out of relationship dramas, etc.  Those past experiences never change, and should not be rejected.  I can only add new experiences to the collection.

Some people have the expectation that people like me will suddenly switch to the opposite extreme, hypersexuality.  Why?  There's no rhyme or reason to it.  If someone mistakenly identifies as fully asexual, they were probably not too far off the mark.  If someone experiences a shift away from asexuality, they will probably always be more asexual than average.

Another aspect of the stereotype says that I was afraid to identify as gay.  But there's a fundamental flaw in this narrative.  It's much easier to be out gay than out asexual!  I speak with some authority on this matter, because I've outed myself both ways a number of times in different contexts.  If I say that I'm asexual, most people don't know what that means.  Some people react by quizzing me.  I have to make sure, before I out myself, that I am in a good position and the right mood to answer questions.  I also end up playing the role of the sole representative of asexuals, however atypical I may be.

Other people don't quiz me.  This can be just as bad, because I don't know whether they understood what I meant.

And of course, there are the people who react with denial.  Some people are just unwilling to accept asexuality.  Sometimes they are willing to accept asexuality, but unwilling to accept my asexuality.  These people are the exception rather than the rule, but I have know way of knowing who will react this way.  Politics are not a predictor.

Also, on Facebook, there's a place to indicate gayness, but not asexuality.

Most of my friends know I'm gay, but fewer know I'm asexual.  Look at me, I'm contributing to asexual invisibility.

According to the stereotypical narrative, not only am I afraid to be out as gay, but I'm also afraid to admit gayness to myself.  But at least in my case, I was far more afraid of admitting asexuality than admitting homosexuality.  Simply being attracted to a different gender is not as radical as being attracted to no gender whatsoever.  At least, that's how it seemed to me.

When I've identified as asexual, some people have said to me, "Maybe you're gay.  You should look into that."  Well, duh, I should look into it.  As if the thought never crossed my mind.  People think they're encouraging self-exploration, but they are not coming from a position of understanding.  Why is the very first reaction to asexuality to suggest alternative explanations?  It's tantamount to denial.  I mean, forget about politeness, it's just plain ignorant.  I did look into it, and I am gay, but not in the way that you think, thank you very much.

ETA: Hat tip to Asexual Curiosities for finding the original article on asexuality and disability.